What Patriarchy Has Done to Love

There is always a "he."

It usually starts with a father, then a teacher, maybe a football coach, a boyfriend.

But "he" is also our society—a shadow that speaks through all of us.

As for "me," I can be a he, or a she,or a they.

He says: I love you.

But his love is shaped by the grip of internalized patriarchy.

His love is a leash—

a leash that chokes every time I breathe too deeply,

grow too strong, speak my truth.

I will always be that broken thing he needs to fix,

the fragile thing his almighty pity saves.

In his superiority, he will not see me.

He calls me his girl, but never his equal.

He calls me clever, but never wise.

He calls it love, but there is no respect.

Patriarchy lives in all of us— like a shadow we don’t always see.

But I feel it in every glance, every word,

every moment I am reduced

to a broken bird that needs his cage.

He is the judge, and I am the jester.

Clearly, I wear too much laughter, too much rage, too much everything.

"Too much," he says.

Too much drama,

too many tears,

too much hysteria,

too much sensitivity,

too much overreaction.

But I have now learned what he really means: I am afraid of you.

Afraid of your fire.

Afraid of your strength.

Afraid of your beauty.

Afraid of your sexuality.

Afraid of the way you refuse to fit inside the story he has written for you.

In his fortress, my fullness is a flaw.

My overflowing energy, a nuisance.

My standing up for myself, a tantrum.

He will always see my rage as "too much"— a muchness that needs to be trimmed.

And every time I challenge, every time I explain, his walls grow thicker, and the violence between us grows like wildfire.

So I stopped explaining.

Stopped begging for him to see me.

Stopped praying for the version of an ideal "him."

Let him.

Let him have his version of me.

Meanwhile,I gather my strength and walk away from the cage he calls love.

Not out of hate, but because I love myself enough

to let my wings stretch

to their truest span.

A Little Note*

I know this piece might not resonate with everyone, but this is not about hating men or making villains out of anyone. While using "he," this is not just about men. Patriarchy shapes all of us—regardless of gender—and these dynamics can exist in all types of relationships.

This is about naming the shadows we all carry so we can better understand ourselves and each other.

“I am passionate about everything in my life--first and foremost, passionate about ideas. And that's a dangerous person to be in this society, not just because I'm a woman, but because it's such a fundamentally anti-intellectual, anti-critical thinking society. “-bell hooks